The Ballad of Bad Coaching or Why I Hate Coaching Youth Sports

If this is you, do yourself a favor and stop coaching youth sports

 

There are a few pieces of advice my father doled out in my childhood that stayed with me:

• Always open the door for a lady.
• Don't eat the yellow snow.
• The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

That's some pretty solid advice from a man who always has sported a handlebar moustache. However, it's the last one I want to delve into on this blog post as I share both my experiences and views of coaching youth sports here in the United Snakes.

My first foray into coaching was in 2009 when I assisted the first year the boys played football. Coaching on the Colts was actually a very positive experience for the kids and I really enjoyed it far more than I thought I would. The head coach was positive and made it a priority to teach all the boys how to play football. Everyone had a chance to play different positions and while trying to win was important, teaching and mentoring was really the order of the day. Here's a picture of our happy experience right before our final game against the pesky Seahawks.

Yes, I'm a visor guy!

The next year we moved about six miles north which resulted in a team change to the Packers. Now, why you would allow a youth football team to be called the Packers IN CHICAGO  OF ALL PLACES is beyond me but that's for another blog post. Since I had such a great experience coaching the previous year, I thought I would volunteer to coach again. I made the very incorrect assumption that all the coaches in the league were drinking the same Kool-Aid when it came to their perspective coaching. You may want to sit down: I was wrong.

The head coach of the Packers (Let's call him Coach Whistle) was in his first year coaching and was VERY eager to begin. Coach Whistle made it a point of letting me know that he played high school football and that he had a scholarship to a Division III school but due to some circumstances that were never really explained to me, he was unable to accept the scholarship. On the team that year, we had 16 kids (it was 8 on 8 football) and only four kids - including my two - had played football before. I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about how miserable that year was for just about every kid on the team that year. He assigned specific positions for each kid, made winning a priority (remember, all the kids on this team were seven), and generally rewarded talented but lazy kids over the hard working average ones. To make a long story short, I was asked to step down from coaching by Coach Whistle before the regular season even began because it was very clear that Coach Whistle and I were going the Buddy Ryan/Kevin Gilbride route. If you are unfamiliar with this reference, please enjoy the below:

 

After the debacle with the Packers, I did end up coaching soccer and baseball which were both fantastic experiences. I was the head coach for spring soccer which is sort of a sport. I mean, is it really a sport when the players wear silk shorts and knee-high socks? But I digress....coaching soccer was a lot of fun for me, and more importantly, all the kids. We lost more games than we won but each kid had a chance - at least once - to play every position.

 

After baseball season, I announced my retirement from coaching youth sports in a tear-filled ceremony broadcast live on ESPN 8, "The Ocho". And, you want to know what happened? I really began to enjoy youth sports again! I was able to just be a dad and be filled with pride as I watched Drew and Mitch give every ounce of effort even though they still didn't play a whole lot due to Mr. Whistle's preference of winning.

 

Smash cut to our recent move to Nashville and the kids were begging Sandy and me to play football again. While we had our reservations (the radical religion of football in the SEC being one of them), we relented and they are playing in a Pop Warner program, the Franklin Cowboys. This is their "game face":

 

So mean....so very mean.

And, as my luck would have it, I was asked to come out of retirement to help coach the team. Being the "new guy" and all, it seemed like a great idea. Well, much like Sugar Ray Leonard, I think I should have stayed retired. I've seen kids yelled at, embarrassed, and, on more than one occasion, humiliated. There are 21 kids on the team and eight of them are playing both ways (both offense and defense) so you have 13 kids fighting for the six other spots which. The coach (let's call him Coach Ditka) drives these kids - who are nine and ten - so hard that several of them have been reduced to tears. And, it's put me in the position of building the kids back up after he screams and spits at them for snapping the ball wrong or getting out of position when playing linebacker. Honestly, it's a role I don't mind but I hate that these kids desperately need someone to make them feel better after the coach beats them down verbally. And, before you suggest I say something to the coach, I have in my own sarcastic, slightly humorous way. All it does is make it appear that I'm focusing only on my kids (I'm not) and that tends to make it worse for them.

 

I realize that my view on this will make me sound like a ninny and, frankly, I don't care. I realize that at some point in all of our sporting careers we won't be good enough to start or even make the team. However, I think that the ages of nine and ten are a little early for that necessary fact of life. Plus, I don't think that kids need to be humiliated in front of their peers and parents to correct an on-the-field transgression. 

 

My goals as a coach have always been the following:

• Teach the kids the fundamentals of the sport
• Learn how to win and lose gracefully
• Be fair to each kid and give them a chance to play
• Learn how to do your job within the scope of the team
• At the end of the season, I want each kid to say, "That was awesome! I can't wait to do it again next year"

I realize that I'm no Tom Landry and that my limited technical knowledge of football has been eclipsed by Coach Ditka, but I still think there is room for all kids to play at this age. It's troubling to me that the head coach approaches each game like it's the Super Bowl (breaking down film, scouting teams in advance of playing them, saying ridiculous things like "YOU protect THIS house!") while the kids are still approaching it as a game. Do we really need to take the fun out of sports this early in childhood? Can't we balance the importance of winning with the importance of a positive experience for all? I get that some kids are ding-dongs and aren't going to be the best athletes but is nine years old the time to crush that dream and teach them how to ride pine?

I know that both Coach Whistle and Coach Ditka had good intentions when they agreed to coach their respective football teams but those intentions have morphed into a burning desire to win and win at all costs. The funny thing about it is that both of them are good guys when they aren't coaching football. Maybe they get sucked into a world where they feel they have to work their team harder than the other ones or they fear they will be laughed at by their coaching peers. It doesn't really matter to me because the way they end up coaching is morale shattering to these kids.

As for me, I can't wait for this season to end. I haven't shared my opinions of Coach Ditka with Drew and Mitch but they are both smart enough to understand that Ditka doesn't think they are good enough to play other than kickoff and kickoff return. I've seen enough screaming from Ditka, witnessed enough hat-throwing by Ditka's assistant coach brother and watched the dreams of too many good kids destroyed for me to want to continue on. While I'm staying on as a coach this season - if only to advocate for all kids to see some playing time during games - I honestly hope this will be my last year on the sidelines.

A Different Kind of Blog Post

The mighty Van Halen returns.....but was it worth the wait?

If you know even a little bit about me, you know that I love Van Halen. So, you can imagine the anticipation I felt knowing that after 14 years, three lead singers, and dozens of false starts, the band I consider to be the greatest rock band of all time was actually putting out new music.  For those of you who don’t follow such things, the new album dropped last Tuesday and I’ve spent a measureable portion of time listening and dissecting every track. And, now that it’s had a chance to marinate in my Van Halen brain for over a week, I’m now ready to give you, dear reader of this blog, my unbiased and unfiltered review of A Different Kind of Truth.  However, before I do, I want to get a few things out of the way regarding Van Halen:

1.       Van Halen is NOT a hair band – when people refer to the mighty Van Halen as a hair band I immediately question every speck of intelligence they claim to have - and question it harshly.  The fact is, Van Halen is not and never was a hair metal band. If you want hair metal, please see the Poison blog a few doors down. You can’t miss it as it’s wedged between the White Lion and the Warrant blogs.

2.       Sam vs. Dave – it seems almost every discussion involving Van Halen results in some sort of Sam vs. Dave confrontation. I like both of them and I like both of them in Van Halen. Sure, Van Halen was a different band with Sam but it was still Van Halen. Ed’s playing evolved to be sure, but had Dave remained in the band I guarantee you that the keyboards would have been just as prevalent. After all, it was the 80’s. Therefore, there will be no Sam vs. Dave shenanigans or tomfoolery on this blog. From my perspective, they were both great for Van Halen and I thank them for their service.

3.       The fact that Ed’s son, Wolfgang, has replaced the original bass player, Michael Anthony – I don’t like the fact that Michael isn’t in the band any more than you do.  However, since neither of our last names are Van Halen, I think we should all relax a bit and realize it's not our toy to play with. It's Ed and Alex's (and now Wolfgang's) band so we can whine and moan until you finish a bottle of Cabo Wabo but it won't change a thing. And, Mikey seems pretty happy in Chickenfoot so let's just move on.

4.       Van Halen is recycling old material for this album – yes, they are. In fact, Van Halen has a very long and rich history of stealing from themselves. Don’t believe me?  Listen to the guitar at the end of “Jump” off of 1984 then listen to “Top of the World” off of For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge – it’s the same guitar riff, note for note. So who cares if they are repurposing old songs they wrote but never released in the 70’s? Do any of us really want, need or expect Van Halen to break new ground? If you do, go ahead and give Van Halen III another spin and let me know how much you liked it. We Van Halen fans want loud, aggressive guitar driven music and not some sort of artistic statement.

Now, on with the full review of A Different Kind of Truth – tread with caution.

Van Halen's new album - A Different Kind of Truth

1.       Tattoo – this was released as the first single and it continues to underscore the fact that the band’s management has no clue how to market them as this is the second weakest song on the album. If you’re really into Van Halen then you probably know this is one of the songs that is based on an unreleased track from the band’s past – in this case, “Down in Flames”. This weak track (which, thankfully, sounds MUCH better live) is no way to announce the comeback of Van Halen.  I think it’s best if we just use the handy skip button and move on. Grade: D-

2.       She’s the Woman – Speaking of songs that are based on old, unreleased Van Halen tracks, we have “She’s the Woman”. The music is exactly the same as the original but, like many of the other songs, the lyrics are completely different. The band is really tight on this song (as well as throughout the album) and the engineering is great. Dave’s vocals are stretched to the limit which isn’t very far these days.  During the opening you can hear Dave screech and strain some sounds which just ends up making me feel old. Even so, this song is what we want as Van Halen fans: loud, aggressive guitar and a blistering solo. Grade: B+

3.       You and Your Blues – Finally, a “new”, new song. This is one of the few songs on the album where we really hear the trademark background vocals that help define Van Halen. Wolfgang, to his credit, does a fantastic job filling in for Michael Anthony. I have to give Dave a red mark for rhyming “breakdown” with “breakdown”. That’s lazy even for Dave. Once again, the solo is blistering and Ed plays with a passion that hasn’t been heard in years.  Grade: B+

4.       China Town – Another “new” new song that starts off with a blistering guitar opening that quickly moves into a guitar/bass/drum jam session that smokes. Maybe it’s me, but Dave’s singing and melodies are very distracting on this song. I can almost hear the fact that the band (Ed, Alex, Wolf) wrote and recorded the music months before and miles away from where Dave sang it. Even so, this is a solid track that showcases Ed’s brilliance.  Grade: B

5.       Blood and Fire – This is one of my personal favorites on the new album. The lyrics are clearly about Van Halen and how they are (sort of) back together with Dave. I really like how Dave worked in his famous “Look at all the people here tonight!”  But some of the other lyrics are a little too boastful even for Dave. For example, I really could have done without “I told ya I’d be back”.  Really, Dave? As much as I love the fact that Van Halen is putting out new music, I really don’t think you’re back because the Van Halen family loves you so much. The fact is that you need Van Halen and at this stage of their career Van Halen needs you.  Grade:  A-

6.       Bullethead – Another retread from 1975 but I really like this song. I heard it a long time ago and always wondered why they didn’t put it out and I still don’t know the answer as it’s a kick-ass Van Halen tune. This song absolutely smokes both musically and lyrically and would have made a much better choice as a single over the very mediocre and yawn-inducing “Tattoo”.  Grade: A

7.       As Is – This song starts off with Panama-esque drumming from Alex before Ed lays down some of the heaviest guitar work ever heard on a Van Halen song. I don’t know how much more he can tune down his guitar but the song sounds HUGE and amazing. The solo is a finger-tapping shred fest that is jaw dropping.  Dave’s singing, talking (he does it a LOT throughout the album – maybe to give his remaining vocal cord a rest), and melody are very distracting and really detract from the song. Grade: B

8.       Honeybabysweetiedoll – When I saw this cluster of a song title, I just knew the song was going to be absolutely horrible. The song begins with a bunch of noise undoubtedly pulled from the “mountains of tape” Ed has claimed to be lying around the Van Halen compound for decades. Once the silly noises stop, something very interesting happens – easily the best Van Halen song in 20 years. Everything clicks on this track – the thumping bass of Wolf, the ever-steady drumming of Alex, the tone and riffs Ed throws down and the lyrics, melody and singing of Dave. Van Halen rarely, if ever, gets better than this. Grade: A+

9.       The Trouble with Never – And, after every peak, there must be a valley and here it is. I really don’t care for this song at all. Ed relies WAY too heavily on the wah, Dave throws down lyrics like “Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumber”, and, again, the melody doesn’t match the song which seems to happen quite a bit on the new tunes. As is consistent on this album, Ed’s solo is the only saving grace but even that can’t rescue this from mediocrity. Grade: C-

10.   Outta Space – This is another oldie.  Some of you older people might remember – it’s from 1976 and used be called, “Let’s Get Rockin’”. Again, the musicianship on this from the band is incredible and the singing is on target. I will say that this is one of the songs where Dave’s vocal limitations are evident as it sounds like he’s straining to hit notes on a very consistent basis. Let’s face it, Dave was never a great singer but he does a decent job with what he has left.  Grade: B

11.   Stay Frosty – I liked this song a lot better when it was on Van Halen’s debut record and was called, “Ice Cream Man”. I know the band is taking a lot of flak for taking old demos from the 70’s and reworking them into “new” songs but I’d rather have them do that than write something that’s so obviously derivative of an already released song and pass it off as brand-spanking new.  Grade: F

12.   Big River – Another old song that has found new life in 2012. Originally called “Big Trouble” the music is almost a note for note copy of the original – and that’s a good thing. Like most of the older songs that have been repurposed, the melody Dave sings is a fairly good match for the music. And, as is very typical on this album, Ed’s solo is staggeringly good. Grade:  B+

13.   Beats Workin’ – Yet another updated version of an already existing song which, in this case, is “Put Out the Lights”. I’ve tried to get into this song but I honestly feel Dave is trying so hard to actually sing that it ends up as off-key caterwauling. The solo is tastefully restrained and the rhythm is solid throughout but, for whatever reason, this song just feels like album filler. Grade:  C+

Other aspects of the album that should be graded include:

·         Production/Engineering – the sound is HUGE which was really missing from Van Halen III.  Grade: A

·         Cover Art – I don’t get the train metaphor on the cover but maybe I’m not supposed to. The overall coloring is bland to me.  Grade: C

·         Liner Notes – Nonexistent save for the artwork by Dave surrounding they lyrics to every song. No photos which isn’t surprising. Grade: C-

·         DVD/Extras – the “deluxe” package contains a DVD three acoustic performances (“Panama”, “You and Your Blues” and “Beautiful Girls” filmed in black and white. The performances are pretty good and we finally get an idea what an MTV Unplugged with Van Halen might have looked like. It’s interesting to note that in the approximately 15 minutes contained in the DVD they show Wolfgang less than 26 seconds.  Grade: B

Van Halen in 1984 - the last time Roth fronted the band.

Van Halen in 2012 - what is old is new again.

So, where does this leave us? What we have here is a really solid album that I was expecting to be both terrible and disappointing. Is it as great as Fair Warning? No, but it’s much better than Van Halen III and far more than any of us could have reasonably expected from Van Halen given the silliness of the past 20 years or so. Ed is playing as well as he ever has.  Alex is still a monster on the drums. Wolfgang is very solid on the bass and backing vocals. Dave is, well, Dave – you get the good and the bad. As for how long this “reunion” will last, I’m skeptical. It really appears that Van Halen is Ed, Alex and Wolfgang and any other member, including the singer, is merely a hired gun. The songs are noted as written by, “Van Halen and David Lee Roth” and that really says it all. Maybe this little marriage will last longer than just the upcoming tour and I, for one, hope it does.  Final grade: B+

I Was Young and I Needed the Money

I love it when some sort of semi-pornographic pictures of a pop-culture princess comes out and she immediately declares, “I was young and I needed the money”.  Last time I checked all of us were young at one time and, unless your last name was either Getty or Rockefeller, money was not exactly easy to find.  While it didn’t cause most of us to show all or portions of our junk for some seedy middle-aged photographer with a questionable moustache, I’m sure we have all had our share of crappy jobs that we did because (say it with me) we were young and needed the money.



Does this logo make ANYONE hungry?

The worst job I ever had was during college at a not-so-tr endy fast food place called Burger Boy.  Just off the north side of the Texas A&M campus, it featured the usual fast food grub that college kids need such as tater tots, deep fried chicken things and, of course, hamburgers.  Your hero in this little story was hired to deliver said delicacies to hungry people on and off campus.  Not so bad, you say!  Well, here’s the rub:  I had to deliver this “food” on a 1950’s style bicycle with a milk basket strapped to the front.  Heck, it looked JUST like this:

Bill's bike at Burger Boy or Pee Wee
Herman's bike - you be the judge!

At first, it wasn’t so bad.  I would go to work at around 4:00 in the afternoon and deliver until we closed at midnight.  At times, I probably rode over 20 miles a night due to the size of the A&M campus.  And, there were fringe benefits as well!  Not only could I now get rejected for dates while I was working, but I could “liberate” a tater tot or four on my way to making deliveries.  Hey, a bicycle delivery boy needs his carbs to successfully complete his rounds.

Everything was going just fine until my friends realized that I had to drive by our dorm (McInnis Hall for those of you who know A&M) on the vast majority of my deliveries.  At first, they would congregate on the balcony and hurl insults at me, but that quickly graduated to projectiles in the following order:

• Various bric-a-brac (crumpled paper, pens, pencils, etc.)
• Teddy Grahams
• Empty beer cans
• Tennis balls
• Tennis balls sprayed with Lysol and lit on fire before launch
• Water balloons
• Pudding (yes, pudding) balloons - chocolate was the favorite for obvious reasons



Not as painful as one would think.



I can remember several times where an object would hit my shoulder and I would turn to look only to see the warming blue flame of Lysol on my bright yellow delivery shirt.  But, I was young and needed the money so I could deal with a few of my fellow dorm buddies hurling flaming projectiles in my direction.

Unfortunately, my burger delivery career was tragically cut short due to injury.  I was delivering a chicken fried steak sammich to the Mosher hall on the south side of campus when, as I passed the Corps of Cadets dorms, a remote controlled car ran in front of my bike tire.  I attempted to hit my brakes and swerve out of the way but my front tire hit the mini-car squarely, stopping the bike in its tracks.  It’s unfortunate that I didn’t stop along with my bike as I was launched (along with the previously mentioned chicken fried steak sammich, tater tots and sweet tea) about 15 feet, landing on the sidewalk.  The meal was ruined, but so was my knee and I was sidelined for a few months until it healed.

By the time my knee healed enough for me to resume my delivery career, I didn’t feel like working there any longer.  The place had odd little rules that always made me just a bit uncomfortable.  One that sticks out was the fact if I wanted to be paid (which, as it turns out, I did) I had to go in person to the store at midnight on Thursday night – not a moment later.  I was paid in cash and doing my little part to help the owner cheat the taxman.  So, after collecting what turned out to be my last paycheck, I just stopped going to work.  No one called to ask and I didn’t give notice.  I did, however, continue to order food from there (they made a damn good burger) but always felt I was short-changed on the tots.

But, hey, I was young and I needed the money!

Funyuns and other things that scare me

I like going to the grocery store and I go every chance I am allowed to do so.  I like all the possibilities, the packaging, the control of buying what I want.  I like checking out the meat department, trying to figure out what flesh to grill.  I like the adult malted beverage aisle and carefully choosing what my next libation will be.  I like the produce department, carefully selecting the onions, jalapenos and cilantro for guacamole.  In fact, the only department that scares me is the chip aisle…and it scares me a lot.

Honestly, there are way too many choices and it seems they are all so blasted with flavor that the delicious simplicity of the humble "regular" chip is damn near impossible to find.  I remember when I was a kid and about the most exotic thing you could get was Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.  Now, everything is all about being flavor blasted or extreme and it only serves to confuse me.  Here is a brief list of things that I would like removed from the chip aisle permanently:

Not safe for human consumption

1.  Funyuns - These things have been around forever - literally.  If you open up a bag of this crap and eat one it will taste as if it's been around since the Salem Witch Trials.  No matter how fresh, these do NOT taste like onion rings.  And, who eats these around other people?  The after-breath of this food has got to be nuclear.  Funyuns make Nacho Cheese Dorito breath smell like a summer breeze. 

Stale bread never tasted so stale

2.  Bagel Chips - So, let me get this straight:  You take a bagel, slice it up, leave it out for a few days so the slices get hard, sprinkle a little salt on them, jack up the price to about 80 times the price of the actual bagel and call them a "healthy alternative to snacking".  If I want a bread-like substance to get stale, I can handle that all on my own.

Beware these crisps - they will kick your ass!

3.  Pringles Xtreme - Perhaps I'm old, but I don't think my taste buds can handle the awesomeness of these flavors:  Flamin' Chili Sauce, Fiery Wasabi, Exploding Cheddar Cheese and Chili, and Take Away Smokin' Ribs.  Honestly, the thought of eating these makes me seriously consider eating Funyuns.  The bottom line is that I don't think I'm going to want some creepy, smoked hog tasting dust on a compressed potato like substance.  Thank you.

The packaging alone tells me these can't be good.

4.  Kruncher's Sweet Hawaiian Onion - First, I can't stand that we have to turn it up a notch by misspelling everything.  Second, I don't think the purplish bag is all that enticing.  Third, the only things Hawaiian I want are a vacation and the punch.  I've never walked by a slab of pork with sweet onions on it and thought, "I wish they made a chip with this wonderful combination.  I'd never leave the house!".  Plus, they put it on a chip so damn crispy it may as well be stale.  In fact, I have a theory that all these kettle-style chips are really just regular chips that are cut a little thicker and allowed to "mature".

Chester Cheetah should be ashamed.

5.  Cheetos Mighty Zingers:  Sharp Cheddar & Salsa Picante - This is the answer to the question, how do you screw up Cheetos?  I would think that you would confuse your taste buds so much by eating this you may end up liking some of the Pringles Xtreme flavors.  And, I think these Cheetos are shaped like paws - Chester Cheetah's paws.  I'm sorry, but I'm not all that interested in eating the paws of a cartoon pitchcat.

Can't you just walk to the freezer and get some White Castle sliders?

6.  Doritos Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger - I suppose the marketing for this is that, should you be highly intoxicated late at night and can't get that greasy cheeseburger from Wendy's to satisfy your hunger, this is the chip for you.  Honestly, if you're so drunk that you are considering eating these chips, you have a lot more in common with Charlie Sheen than you thought.  Losing rhymes with losing.

I'll stick to my Cool Ranch Doritos, Ruffles and Crunchy Cheetos.  I just wish the store would make a chip section for normal people like me.

Lady Gaga Made Me Old

I’m old.  Not in the traditional, “he’s had a long life” way, but in the “music was a hell of a lot better when I was younger” way.  While it is a bit sad to come to this realization, I have actually come to both accept and embrace it. 

Much like how most of us can recall in vivid detail where we were and what we were doing when we heard David Lee Roth was no longer in Van Halen, I remember the exact moment Father Time tapped me on my man shoulder to tell me I was old:  Sunday, February 13, 2011 at 7:28 PM CST.  My wife was wielding the remote and scrolling innocuously through the onscreen guide, searching for something all of us could watch.  I watched nervously, but silently, as she highlighted the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards - twitching a little as I saw her right thumb hovering over the "select" button. Time stopped as my eyes darted quickly between her thumb and the TV, trying desperately to decide on the correct course of action.

Due to my indecision, I hesitated a moment too long for before I could dive in front of the TV, sacrificing my body to block the signal from the remote control.  As I turned to look at the TV, my worst fear had been confirmed: she had switched the channel just as Lady Gaga appeared onstage to sing her new song.  Watching my 8 year old twin boys seemingly enjoy the mind-numbing (and Madonna rip off) song/dance routine, I shed a small tear like the American Indian in the old anti-pollution commercial from the 70’s.  It was, at that very moment, I felt the tapping of Father Time.

Was the music I liked as a child this horrible?  I loved (and still do) Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughan, AC/DC and Guns N’ Roses.  Heck, I even liked pop music like Duran Duran and the Cure.  And, it was all rounded out with a smattering of classic rock like the Beatles, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin.  No matter what music I was into, I know for a fact there wasn’t a meat dress involved.

This dress short circuits my brain.

Here is the realization:  The music I – we – listened to in high school was just as crappy to our parents as Lady Gaga is to us.  In other words, I think I’ve turned into some iPhone-toting version of my parents and that makes me a little sad.  I swore that I would never be out of touch with music and that I would always keep an open mind, but I find that increasingly challenging when confronted with pop tarts like Lady Gaga, Ke$ha and Katy Perry.  I mean, “Poker Face” is catchy and all but it seems that every other song I hear from Her Meatness is some cheap rip off of Madonna.  In fact, at least from my perspective, all Lady Gaga has going for her is continual attempts to shock old farts like me – although it’s not as shocking as it is dumb.   For example:

• The Red Hot Chili Peppers wearing only athletic socks over their junk while they played:  shocking and funny
• Lady Gaga wearing a side of beef:  stupid and, most likely, stinky

So, if this is the direction music is heading, I’m proud to be old.  I won’t judge kids for liking what they like as I know that I’m officially “out of it” – and I’m okay with that.  It’s not my job as a parent to like the music they like but, at the same time, I’m going to have to hard not to judge it too harshly.

If you look hard enough, there is still quality new music being produced without the liberal use of Auto-Tune:  Eric Johnson, Foo Fighters (see - and hear- below) and Snow Patrol are a few examples.  But, at least to my aging ears, the vast majority of new music is crap and that, my friends, is just part of getting older like eating dinner at 5:30 PM.  Speaking of dinner, is anyone up for a burger?  That dress is making me hungry!

         Foo Fighters new song, "Rope".

The Great Peanut M&M Swindle



This candy is a fraud.



I like M&M’s - in fact, it’s probably my favorite candy after beer.  To me, it’s the perfect candy – just the right size so you can enjoy them one by one or by the handful.  Personally, I’ve always been partial to the plain or, as the call it now, the milk chocolate M&M and for years I have had many friends who have extolled the greatness of the peanut M&M.  While I don’t mind the peanut M&M, I always felt like they were a bit of a rip off.  Now, using some internet research (it was on the internet so it has to be true, right?) I will present my case that the peanut M&M is the greatest fraud perpetrated by a company on the American people.

Let’s start with the following facts:

• The average cost of a pound of chocolate is about $3.00
• The average cost of a pound of peanuts is about $0.21
• There are approximately 750 shelled peanuts in a pound

I think we would all agree that chocolate costs more than peanuts.  Simple math, right? Let’s continue:

• A 1.74 oz bag of plain or milk chocolate M&M’s contain about 75 candies
• A 1.74 oz bag of peanut M&M’s contain bout 22 candies

Folks, I know I went to Texas A&M but even I can see you get about 3 ½ times more candy in a bag of milk chocolate M&M’s than you do in the fraudulent yellow bag of peanut ones and EACH BAG COSTS THE SAME!  Again, let’s continue, using the information above:

• In a 1.74 oz bag of milk chocolate M&M’s, there is about $0.33 worth of chocolate
• Knowing that there is approximately 33% less chocolate per candy on a peanut M&M, there is about $0.21 of chocolate in a 1.74 oz bag of peanut M&M
• Given that there is an average of 22 candies in a bag of peanut M&M’s, there is approximately .46 oz of peanuts in the bag

Now, let’s breakdown the cost of each bag of candy.  For purposes of this highly controversial study, we will assume the same costs for the candy shell, packaging and distribution:

           Milk Chocolate             Peanut

Chocolate:                                       $0.33                            $0.21

Peanuts:                                          $0.00                            $0.01

Candy Coating:                              $0.01                            $0.01

Packaging & Distribution:           $0.02                            $0.02

Total manufacturing cost:           $0.36                            $0.25

Cost to store:                                 $0.50                            $0.50

Mars Company Profit:                 $0.14                            $0.25

I find it to be a travesty that the Mars family makes about $0.09 more per bag of peanut M&M’s. So many of you have been bamboozled into thinking that peanut M&M’s are a better value because of the miniscule protein content.  My friends and fans of the peanut M&M, you are getting fleeced by corporate greed.  From a materials perspective, peanuts are much cheaper than intoxicating chocolate and the Mars family is charging you a premium for substandard content.  I, for one, won't stand (or sit, loiter, meander or saunter for that matter) for it!  It's time for a revolution lovers of the peanut/chocolate combo!  Next time you have a hankering for a fistful of peanut M&M's, do yourself a favor: get yourself a five pound jug of Planters at your local Costco and mix them with your milk chocolate M&M’s – your palate and pocket book will thank me.

Lastly, before a bunch of get your knickers in a twist, I know this is a very simplistic view of the true cost of M&M’s so I’m not including MANY overhead items such as marketing, administration, facilities, R&D, etc.  My point was to show the disparity in terms of profit on the peanut M&M’s vs. milk chocolate M&M’s. 

I believe I have shown that the clear choice in terms of value is the milk chocolate variety of M&M.  And, don’t even get me started on the clearly inferior pretzel M&M as just the thought of it makes me insane.

Super Bowl Halftime Shows: A Brief History of Mediocrity and Disapointment

I can’t remember the last time the Super Bowl halftime show didn’t break the suck-o-meter.  I’ll grant you that Michael Jackson in 1993, U2 in 2002 and Paul McCartney in 2004 were good but, beyond that, it’s almost as if it’s federally mandated that the Super Bowl halftime show has to be mediocre, disappointing or both.

Oh, it all started out innocently enough as the first twenty halftime shows (through 1987) featured a local college marching band, an aging Hollywood legend (See Rooney, Mickey at Super Bowl XXI) or (gulp!) Up With People.  However, this all started to change in 1988 when the audience was subjected to Chubby Checker.  Gee, I wonder if he sang, “The Twist” followed by “Let’s Twist Again”?  Does that hack have ANY song that doesn’t have to do with twisting?!!?

It’s pretty much downhill from there.  Here are some lowlights:

• Super Bowl XXIII – Elvis Presto (you read that right) and South Florida dancers
• Super Bowl XXV – New Kids on the Block and an audience card stunt (Yay!)
• Super Bowl XXIX – Teddy Pendergrass and Miami Sound Machine (not to be confused with Gloria Estefan AND the Miami Sound Machine – two TOTALLY different groups)
• Super Bowl XXX – The aging corpse of Diana Ross
• Super Bowl XXXI – The Blues Brothers (the Jim, not John Belushi variety)
• Super Bowl XXXIII – Gloria Estefan (without her sound machine from Miami)
• Super Bowl XXVIII – Janet Jackson’s boobie
• Super Bowl XLI – Prince without the Raspberry Beret
• Super Bowl XLIII – Springsteen.  All I remember was him telling me to “put down that guacamole”.  Very creepy.  Even more creepy was the fact that I did put down the guacamole.
• Super Bowl XLIV – The Who. Roger should always keep his shirt on.

So, this year, in an effort to “bring back the kids” we were subjected to The Black Eyed Peas, Usher and Slash.  First of all, I’d love someone to explain to me what value anyone not named Fergie brings to the band.  Anyone?  I didn’t think so.  Will.I.Am (the only other name I know in the group) is so dependent upon auto-tune he sounds like my kids playing with an app on my iPhone.  The other two (known in this blog as “sunglasses guy” and “light up suit guy”) bring nothing to the stage other than the ability to yell “YEAH!” at the right time.  I will say light up suit guy does a really nice job of pointing to the crowd.

Predictably, they played that “I’ve Got a Feeling” song and it was just as overplayed live as it is on the radio.  Slash came out in a Liberace-inspired sequined top hat which caused 34% of my soul to die on the spot.  Then Usher came out and did some sort of break-dance routine that reminded me of the movie Breakin 2:  Electric Boogaloo.  Then I ate some cocktail weenies wrapped in crescent rolls before taking a long pull on my beer.  Then I started thinking how much I want the NFL and the Players Association to negotiate a collective bargaining agreement. 

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, halftime shows at the Super Bowl suck – and they most likely always will.  Let's just bring back the local marching band and/or Up With People so we can stop worrying about who will suck next year.