I like going to the grocery store and I go every chance I am allowed to do so. I like all the possibilities, the packaging, the control of buying what I want. I like checking out the meat department, trying to figure out what flesh to grill. I like the adult malted beverage aisle and carefully choosing what my next libation will be. I like the produce department, carefully selecting the onions, jalapenos and cilantro for guacamole. In fact, the only department that scares me is the chip aisle…and it scares me a lot.
Honestly, there are way too many choices and it seems they are all so blasted with flavor that the delicious simplicity of the humble "regular" chip is damn near impossible to find. I remember when I was a kid and about the most exotic thing you could get was Sour Cream and Onion Pringles. Now, everything is all about being flavor blasted or extreme and it only serves to confuse me. Here is a brief list of things that I would like removed from the chip aisle permanently:
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| Not safe for human consumption |
1. Funyuns - These things have been around forever - literally. If you open up a bag of this crap and eat one it will taste as if it's been around since the Salem Witch Trials. No matter how fresh, these do NOT taste like onion rings. And, who eats these around other people? The after-breath of this food has got to be nuclear. Funyuns make Nacho Cheese Dorito breath smell like a summer breeze.
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| Stale bread never tasted so stale |
2. Bagel Chips - So, let me get this straight: You take a bagel, slice it up, leave it out for a few days so the slices get hard, sprinkle a little salt on them, jack up the price to about 80 times the price of the actual bagel and call them a "healthy alternative to snacking". If I want a bread-like substance to get stale, I can handle that all on my own.
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| Beware these crisps - they will kick your ass! |
3. Pringles Xtreme - Perhaps I'm old, but I don't think my taste buds can handle the awesomeness of these flavors: Flamin' Chili Sauce, Fiery Wasabi, Exploding Cheddar Cheese and Chili, and Take Away Smokin' Ribs. Honestly, the thought of eating these makes me seriously consider eating Funyuns. The bottom line is that I don't think I'm going to want some creepy, smoked hog tasting dust on a compressed potato like substance. Thank you.
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| The packaging alone tells me these can't be good. |
4. Kruncher's Sweet Hawaiian Onion - First, I can't stand that we have to turn it up a notch by misspelling everything. Second, I don't think the purplish bag is all that enticing. Third, the only things Hawaiian I want are a vacation and the punch. I've never walked by a slab of pork with sweet onions on it and thought, "I wish they made a chip with this wonderful combination. I'd never leave the house!". Plus, they put it on a chip so damn crispy it may as well be stale. In fact, I have a theory that all these kettle-style chips are really just regular chips that are cut a little thicker and allowed to "mature".
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| Chester Cheetah should be ashamed. |
5. Cheetos Mighty Zingers: Sharp Cheddar & Salsa Picante - This is the answer to the question, how do you screw up Cheetos? I would think that you would confuse your taste buds so much by eating this you may end up liking some of the Pringles Xtreme flavors. And, I think these Cheetos are shaped like paws - Chester Cheetah's paws. I'm sorry, but I'm not all that interested in eating the paws of a cartoon pitchcat.
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| Can't you just walk to the freezer and get some White Castle sliders? |
6. Doritos Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger - I suppose the marketing for this is that, should you be highly intoxicated late at night and can't get that greasy cheeseburger from Wendy's to satisfy your hunger, this is the chip for you. Honestly, if you're so drunk that you are considering eating these chips, you have a lot more in common with Charlie Sheen than you thought. Losing rhymes with losing.
I'll stick to my Cool Ranch Doritos, Ruffles and Crunchy Cheetos. I just wish the store would make a chip section for normal people like me.
