I Was Young and I Needed the Money

I love it when some sort of semi-pornographic pictures of a pop-culture princess comes out and she immediately declares, “I was young and I needed the money”.  Last time I checked all of us were young at one time and, unless your last name was either Getty or Rockefeller, money was not exactly easy to find.  While it didn’t cause most of us to show all or portions of our junk for some seedy middle-aged photographer with a questionable moustache, I’m sure we have all had our share of crappy jobs that we did because (say it with me) we were young and needed the money.



Does this logo make ANYONE hungry?

The worst job I ever had was during college at a not-so-tr endy fast food place called Burger Boy.  Just off the north side of the Texas A&M campus, it featured the usual fast food grub that college kids need such as tater tots, deep fried chicken things and, of course, hamburgers.  Your hero in this little story was hired to deliver said delicacies to hungry people on and off campus.  Not so bad, you say!  Well, here’s the rub:  I had to deliver this “food” on a 1950’s style bicycle with a milk basket strapped to the front.  Heck, it looked JUST like this:

Bill's bike at Burger Boy or Pee Wee
Herman's bike - you be the judge!

At first, it wasn’t so bad.  I would go to work at around 4:00 in the afternoon and deliver until we closed at midnight.  At times, I probably rode over 20 miles a night due to the size of the A&M campus.  And, there were fringe benefits as well!  Not only could I now get rejected for dates while I was working, but I could “liberate” a tater tot or four on my way to making deliveries.  Hey, a bicycle delivery boy needs his carbs to successfully complete his rounds.

Everything was going just fine until my friends realized that I had to drive by our dorm (McInnis Hall for those of you who know A&M) on the vast majority of my deliveries.  At first, they would congregate on the balcony and hurl insults at me, but that quickly graduated to projectiles in the following order:

• Various bric-a-brac (crumpled paper, pens, pencils, etc.)
• Teddy Grahams
• Empty beer cans
• Tennis balls
• Tennis balls sprayed with Lysol and lit on fire before launch
• Water balloons
• Pudding (yes, pudding) balloons - chocolate was the favorite for obvious reasons



Not as painful as one would think.



I can remember several times where an object would hit my shoulder and I would turn to look only to see the warming blue flame of Lysol on my bright yellow delivery shirt.  But, I was young and needed the money so I could deal with a few of my fellow dorm buddies hurling flaming projectiles in my direction.

Unfortunately, my burger delivery career was tragically cut short due to injury.  I was delivering a chicken fried steak sammich to the Mosher hall on the south side of campus when, as I passed the Corps of Cadets dorms, a remote controlled car ran in front of my bike tire.  I attempted to hit my brakes and swerve out of the way but my front tire hit the mini-car squarely, stopping the bike in its tracks.  It’s unfortunate that I didn’t stop along with my bike as I was launched (along with the previously mentioned chicken fried steak sammich, tater tots and sweet tea) about 15 feet, landing on the sidewalk.  The meal was ruined, but so was my knee and I was sidelined for a few months until it healed.

By the time my knee healed enough for me to resume my delivery career, I didn’t feel like working there any longer.  The place had odd little rules that always made me just a bit uncomfortable.  One that sticks out was the fact if I wanted to be paid (which, as it turns out, I did) I had to go in person to the store at midnight on Thursday night – not a moment later.  I was paid in cash and doing my little part to help the owner cheat the taxman.  So, after collecting what turned out to be my last paycheck, I just stopped going to work.  No one called to ask and I didn’t give notice.  I did, however, continue to order food from there (they made a damn good burger) but always felt I was short-changed on the tots.

But, hey, I was young and I needed the money!

Funyuns and other things that scare me

I like going to the grocery store and I go every chance I am allowed to do so.  I like all the possibilities, the packaging, the control of buying what I want.  I like checking out the meat department, trying to figure out what flesh to grill.  I like the adult malted beverage aisle and carefully choosing what my next libation will be.  I like the produce department, carefully selecting the onions, jalapenos and cilantro for guacamole.  In fact, the only department that scares me is the chip aisle…and it scares me a lot.

Honestly, there are way too many choices and it seems they are all so blasted with flavor that the delicious simplicity of the humble "regular" chip is damn near impossible to find.  I remember when I was a kid and about the most exotic thing you could get was Sour Cream and Onion Pringles.  Now, everything is all about being flavor blasted or extreme and it only serves to confuse me.  Here is a brief list of things that I would like removed from the chip aisle permanently:

Not safe for human consumption

1.  Funyuns - These things have been around forever - literally.  If you open up a bag of this crap and eat one it will taste as if it's been around since the Salem Witch Trials.  No matter how fresh, these do NOT taste like onion rings.  And, who eats these around other people?  The after-breath of this food has got to be nuclear.  Funyuns make Nacho Cheese Dorito breath smell like a summer breeze. 

Stale bread never tasted so stale

2.  Bagel Chips - So, let me get this straight:  You take a bagel, slice it up, leave it out for a few days so the slices get hard, sprinkle a little salt on them, jack up the price to about 80 times the price of the actual bagel and call them a "healthy alternative to snacking".  If I want a bread-like substance to get stale, I can handle that all on my own.

Beware these crisps - they will kick your ass!

3.  Pringles Xtreme - Perhaps I'm old, but I don't think my taste buds can handle the awesomeness of these flavors:  Flamin' Chili Sauce, Fiery Wasabi, Exploding Cheddar Cheese and Chili, and Take Away Smokin' Ribs.  Honestly, the thought of eating these makes me seriously consider eating Funyuns.  The bottom line is that I don't think I'm going to want some creepy, smoked hog tasting dust on a compressed potato like substance.  Thank you.

The packaging alone tells me these can't be good.

4.  Kruncher's Sweet Hawaiian Onion - First, I can't stand that we have to turn it up a notch by misspelling everything.  Second, I don't think the purplish bag is all that enticing.  Third, the only things Hawaiian I want are a vacation and the punch.  I've never walked by a slab of pork with sweet onions on it and thought, "I wish they made a chip with this wonderful combination.  I'd never leave the house!".  Plus, they put it on a chip so damn crispy it may as well be stale.  In fact, I have a theory that all these kettle-style chips are really just regular chips that are cut a little thicker and allowed to "mature".

Chester Cheetah should be ashamed.

5.  Cheetos Mighty Zingers:  Sharp Cheddar & Salsa Picante - This is the answer to the question, how do you screw up Cheetos?  I would think that you would confuse your taste buds so much by eating this you may end up liking some of the Pringles Xtreme flavors.  And, I think these Cheetos are shaped like paws - Chester Cheetah's paws.  I'm sorry, but I'm not all that interested in eating the paws of a cartoon pitchcat.

Can't you just walk to the freezer and get some White Castle sliders?

6.  Doritos Late Night All Nighter Cheeseburger - I suppose the marketing for this is that, should you be highly intoxicated late at night and can't get that greasy cheeseburger from Wendy's to satisfy your hunger, this is the chip for you.  Honestly, if you're so drunk that you are considering eating these chips, you have a lot more in common with Charlie Sheen than you thought.  Losing rhymes with losing.

I'll stick to my Cool Ranch Doritos, Ruffles and Crunchy Cheetos.  I just wish the store would make a chip section for normal people like me.

Lady Gaga Made Me Old

I’m old.  Not in the traditional, “he’s had a long life” way, but in the “music was a hell of a lot better when I was younger” way.  While it is a bit sad to come to this realization, I have actually come to both accept and embrace it. 

Much like how most of us can recall in vivid detail where we were and what we were doing when we heard David Lee Roth was no longer in Van Halen, I remember the exact moment Father Time tapped me on my man shoulder to tell me I was old:  Sunday, February 13, 2011 at 7:28 PM CST.  My wife was wielding the remote and scrolling innocuously through the onscreen guide, searching for something all of us could watch.  I watched nervously, but silently, as she highlighted the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards - twitching a little as I saw her right thumb hovering over the "select" button. Time stopped as my eyes darted quickly between her thumb and the TV, trying desperately to decide on the correct course of action.

Due to my indecision, I hesitated a moment too long for before I could dive in front of the TV, sacrificing my body to block the signal from the remote control.  As I turned to look at the TV, my worst fear had been confirmed: she had switched the channel just as Lady Gaga appeared onstage to sing her new song.  Watching my 8 year old twin boys seemingly enjoy the mind-numbing (and Madonna rip off) song/dance routine, I shed a small tear like the American Indian in the old anti-pollution commercial from the 70’s.  It was, at that very moment, I felt the tapping of Father Time.

Was the music I liked as a child this horrible?  I loved (and still do) Van Halen, Stevie Ray Vaughan, AC/DC and Guns N’ Roses.  Heck, I even liked pop music like Duran Duran and the Cure.  And, it was all rounded out with a smattering of classic rock like the Beatles, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin.  No matter what music I was into, I know for a fact there wasn’t a meat dress involved.

This dress short circuits my brain.

Here is the realization:  The music I – we – listened to in high school was just as crappy to our parents as Lady Gaga is to us.  In other words, I think I’ve turned into some iPhone-toting version of my parents and that makes me a little sad.  I swore that I would never be out of touch with music and that I would always keep an open mind, but I find that increasingly challenging when confronted with pop tarts like Lady Gaga, Ke$ha and Katy Perry.  I mean, “Poker Face” is catchy and all but it seems that every other song I hear from Her Meatness is some cheap rip off of Madonna.  In fact, at least from my perspective, all Lady Gaga has going for her is continual attempts to shock old farts like me – although it’s not as shocking as it is dumb.   For example:

• The Red Hot Chili Peppers wearing only athletic socks over their junk while they played:  shocking and funny
• Lady Gaga wearing a side of beef:  stupid and, most likely, stinky

So, if this is the direction music is heading, I’m proud to be old.  I won’t judge kids for liking what they like as I know that I’m officially “out of it” – and I’m okay with that.  It’s not my job as a parent to like the music they like but, at the same time, I’m going to have to hard not to judge it too harshly.

If you look hard enough, there is still quality new music being produced without the liberal use of Auto-Tune:  Eric Johnson, Foo Fighters (see - and hear- below) and Snow Patrol are a few examples.  But, at least to my aging ears, the vast majority of new music is crap and that, my friends, is just part of getting older like eating dinner at 5:30 PM.  Speaking of dinner, is anyone up for a burger?  That dress is making me hungry!

         Foo Fighters new song, "Rope".

The Great Peanut M&M Swindle



This candy is a fraud.



I like M&M’s - in fact, it’s probably my favorite candy after beer.  To me, it’s the perfect candy – just the right size so you can enjoy them one by one or by the handful.  Personally, I’ve always been partial to the plain or, as the call it now, the milk chocolate M&M and for years I have had many friends who have extolled the greatness of the peanut M&M.  While I don’t mind the peanut M&M, I always felt like they were a bit of a rip off.  Now, using some internet research (it was on the internet so it has to be true, right?) I will present my case that the peanut M&M is the greatest fraud perpetrated by a company on the American people.

Let’s start with the following facts:

• The average cost of a pound of chocolate is about $3.00
• The average cost of a pound of peanuts is about $0.21
• There are approximately 750 shelled peanuts in a pound

I think we would all agree that chocolate costs more than peanuts.  Simple math, right? Let’s continue:

• A 1.74 oz bag of plain or milk chocolate M&M’s contain about 75 candies
• A 1.74 oz bag of peanut M&M’s contain bout 22 candies

Folks, I know I went to Texas A&M but even I can see you get about 3 ½ times more candy in a bag of milk chocolate M&M’s than you do in the fraudulent yellow bag of peanut ones and EACH BAG COSTS THE SAME!  Again, let’s continue, using the information above:

• In a 1.74 oz bag of milk chocolate M&M’s, there is about $0.33 worth of chocolate
• Knowing that there is approximately 33% less chocolate per candy on a peanut M&M, there is about $0.21 of chocolate in a 1.74 oz bag of peanut M&M
• Given that there is an average of 22 candies in a bag of peanut M&M’s, there is approximately .46 oz of peanuts in the bag

Now, let’s breakdown the cost of each bag of candy.  For purposes of this highly controversial study, we will assume the same costs for the candy shell, packaging and distribution:

           Milk Chocolate             Peanut

Chocolate:                                       $0.33                            $0.21

Peanuts:                                          $0.00                            $0.01

Candy Coating:                              $0.01                            $0.01

Packaging & Distribution:           $0.02                            $0.02

Total manufacturing cost:           $0.36                            $0.25

Cost to store:                                 $0.50                            $0.50

Mars Company Profit:                 $0.14                            $0.25

I find it to be a travesty that the Mars family makes about $0.09 more per bag of peanut M&M’s. So many of you have been bamboozled into thinking that peanut M&M’s are a better value because of the miniscule protein content.  My friends and fans of the peanut M&M, you are getting fleeced by corporate greed.  From a materials perspective, peanuts are much cheaper than intoxicating chocolate and the Mars family is charging you a premium for substandard content.  I, for one, won't stand (or sit, loiter, meander or saunter for that matter) for it!  It's time for a revolution lovers of the peanut/chocolate combo!  Next time you have a hankering for a fistful of peanut M&M's, do yourself a favor: get yourself a five pound jug of Planters at your local Costco and mix them with your milk chocolate M&M’s – your palate and pocket book will thank me.

Lastly, before a bunch of get your knickers in a twist, I know this is a very simplistic view of the true cost of M&M’s so I’m not including MANY overhead items such as marketing, administration, facilities, R&D, etc.  My point was to show the disparity in terms of profit on the peanut M&M’s vs. milk chocolate M&M’s. 

I believe I have shown that the clear choice in terms of value is the milk chocolate variety of M&M.  And, don’t even get me started on the clearly inferior pretzel M&M as just the thought of it makes me insane.

Super Bowl Halftime Shows: A Brief History of Mediocrity and Disapointment

I can’t remember the last time the Super Bowl halftime show didn’t break the suck-o-meter.  I’ll grant you that Michael Jackson in 1993, U2 in 2002 and Paul McCartney in 2004 were good but, beyond that, it’s almost as if it’s federally mandated that the Super Bowl halftime show has to be mediocre, disappointing or both.

Oh, it all started out innocently enough as the first twenty halftime shows (through 1987) featured a local college marching band, an aging Hollywood legend (See Rooney, Mickey at Super Bowl XXI) or (gulp!) Up With People.  However, this all started to change in 1988 when the audience was subjected to Chubby Checker.  Gee, I wonder if he sang, “The Twist” followed by “Let’s Twist Again”?  Does that hack have ANY song that doesn’t have to do with twisting?!!?

It’s pretty much downhill from there.  Here are some lowlights:

• Super Bowl XXIII – Elvis Presto (you read that right) and South Florida dancers
• Super Bowl XXV – New Kids on the Block and an audience card stunt (Yay!)
• Super Bowl XXIX – Teddy Pendergrass and Miami Sound Machine (not to be confused with Gloria Estefan AND the Miami Sound Machine – two TOTALLY different groups)
• Super Bowl XXX – The aging corpse of Diana Ross
• Super Bowl XXXI – The Blues Brothers (the Jim, not John Belushi variety)
• Super Bowl XXXIII – Gloria Estefan (without her sound machine from Miami)
• Super Bowl XXVIII – Janet Jackson’s boobie
• Super Bowl XLI – Prince without the Raspberry Beret
• Super Bowl XLIII – Springsteen.  All I remember was him telling me to “put down that guacamole”.  Very creepy.  Even more creepy was the fact that I did put down the guacamole.
• Super Bowl XLIV – The Who. Roger should always keep his shirt on.

So, this year, in an effort to “bring back the kids” we were subjected to The Black Eyed Peas, Usher and Slash.  First of all, I’d love someone to explain to me what value anyone not named Fergie brings to the band.  Anyone?  I didn’t think so.  Will.I.Am (the only other name I know in the group) is so dependent upon auto-tune he sounds like my kids playing with an app on my iPhone.  The other two (known in this blog as “sunglasses guy” and “light up suit guy”) bring nothing to the stage other than the ability to yell “YEAH!” at the right time.  I will say light up suit guy does a really nice job of pointing to the crowd.

Predictably, they played that “I’ve Got a Feeling” song and it was just as overplayed live as it is on the radio.  Slash came out in a Liberace-inspired sequined top hat which caused 34% of my soul to die on the spot.  Then Usher came out and did some sort of break-dance routine that reminded me of the movie Breakin 2:  Electric Boogaloo.  Then I ate some cocktail weenies wrapped in crescent rolls before taking a long pull on my beer.  Then I started thinking how much I want the NFL and the Players Association to negotiate a collective bargaining agreement. 

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, halftime shows at the Super Bowl suck – and they most likely always will.  Let's just bring back the local marching band and/or Up With People so we can stop worrying about who will suck next year.